There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
