I'm going to jail i love you
I puked a lego.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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