At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
