New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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