Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
