Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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