i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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