why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
