i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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