yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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