If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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