so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I party with great urgency now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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