Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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