i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
