and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
