glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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