i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
