meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
