what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
