my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
