Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
