WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
