We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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