Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Semen is not good for contacts.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
