Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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