Don't make out with my wife yet
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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