ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
