Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
