She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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