So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Michael Bay diarrhea
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Randomize
