did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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