you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
