dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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