The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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