Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
