Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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