i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
