I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
