Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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