Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
