my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!