It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
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Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?