I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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