and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
