Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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