can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
