Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
