i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
