If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
