I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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