If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
