either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
