i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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