Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
