I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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