she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
