He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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